Ever wondered if your sex life was normal? Or been so angry you’ve thrown a bowl of pasta over your partner’s head? Look no further.
Developers have created some brilliant and ridiculous apps to solve all your relationship problems. From finding a rebound date to a tracking your sex life – you name it, they’ve got it. This is the new way to do relationships, according to apps.
#1: The awkward stage
Your lips begin to say the final word in a sentence and suddenly your mind is searching for something else to say to the date you’re actually quite keen on. You don’t want to look like an idiot, yet all words and subjects have fled your mind, leaving you mouthing gormlessly like a fairground goldfish. Relief is short lived as your date backs away with awkward disgust.
Developers of the app Let’s Talk have clearly had too many goldfish experiences. The app instead provides helpful prompts like “what is the best neighbourhood you’ve ever lived in?” As long as your date doesn’t mind the constant presence of your phone on the table, you’re all set for a romantic date. Just remember your reading glasses.
#2: The friend stage
Relationships don’t have to just be about sex (no really). Some of us just want a “nice hug”, according to the makers of Cuddlr, the “location based social meeting app for cuddling”. When you’re feeling down, you can launch the app to see which Cuddlr user is closer, and schedule a meeting to get together. Don’t worry about stalkers and creeps, you can weed them out by rating your cuddler/cuddlee after the experience.
If you don’t want a bear hug from a stranger, and are paranoid you have too many friends perhaps Pplkpr is for you. It works out which friends make you feel good by syncing with a heart rate monitor on a smartwatch to track your emotions. Within time the algorithm learns the difference between happy and scared, correlates this data and recommends friends you should keep and ditch. Launched in January 2015, this app can even delete contacts it considers bad for the user.
#3: The hook up stage
Forget Tinder. Why date poor people when you can bag one of the top one per cent high net worth individuals? After all, there’s no point in hanging around Primark when there’s a millionaire just waiting to buy you that £3,000 Tiffany ring you’ve always coveted.
Think we’re kidding? Check out Luxy, – the dating app for the rich, beautiful and eligible. The app has a built in income verifier, where you can upload documents to prove your wealth. Developers say “every eligible and successful person is welcome”. There isn’t a minimum requirement for wealth, but the creators say their 3,000 users are all in the top one per cent of earners, spanning across various cities over the world.
So sneak yourself on and blag that millionaire crush.
#4: The dating stage
Ever made a mental list of all the nice things you’ve done for your partner compared to all the crappy stuff they’ve done in return? Well, now you can make a physical list.
With the app Kouply you can give your partner points for every nice thing they do, and vice versa. You can keep track of valuable brownie points when you do the dishes three nights in a row, or when you surprise them at their office with a coffee and cupcake.
You can also satisfy your couple envy with the leaderboard which lets you to compare your points to your friends. You can even share it on social media so the whole world will know exactly how much karma is coming your way.
#5: The sex stage
If your narcissism is so advanced that you need to broadcast the exact time and location you last had sex, feel free to download the app I Just made Love. Couple it with an after sex selfie and you’re guaranteed to outrage half the world’s population with your arrogance.
Or maybe you’re in the need of a boost after a disappointing night with your partner. The app Spreadsheets lets you compare your performance with other people across the internet, so you can assess thrusts, duration and even decibel levels. So remember to keep your phone handy when things get a little raunchy. We don’t want those record thrusts to go unrecorded.
#6: The slightly cringey loved up stage
If you’re desperate for human contact but spend your days at work and away from your partner, Couple app enables you to “thumb kiss” your way through the day. Though not as intimate as an actual kiss, the contact will hopefully sustain your well being until you next see your partner.
If you want something even more personal than a fingerprint scanner, then Avodaco will send your partner a virtual hug when you hold your phone to your chest. Bless.
#7: The getting serious stage
When planning for marriage, ring sizes are key to a good proposal, but getting it right is hard if you want to keep everything a surprise. Helzberg Diamonds is on hand to help with their app Proposal Pro. Just get a ring she already wears on her ring finger, and measure it against the template on the app. Simple enough.
The app also reminds you to tell your parents when you propose, just in case you forget.
Once the date is set and there’s no going back, Appy Couple can help share details of the wedding with guests who also use the app, as long as they aren’t put off by the questionable pun.
#8: The cheating stage
Unfortunately apps for cheating exist. Being sneaky is made easier with the help of app Slydial, which lets you leave a message on someone’s voicemail, without calling their phone. This hides the call from whoever they’re with. Just remember to change your voicemail password so you aren’t hacked by other sneaky cheats.
#9: The fighting stage
Communication is forever noted as the key to a relationship. Fix a Fight attempts to make that communication easier, by providing a space to talk – in case face to face is too challenging. You can rate your feeling on a scale of 1-10 to see just how bad the problem is – handy if you don’t want to speak to your partner. Then you can try and solve the problem together. The soothing voice of marital therapist Mark McGonigal will then guide you to restoring your relationship.
The app can also show you development in your relationship by providing a status report, just in case you aren’t aware of where your relationship stands, or perhaps so you can keep track of who started which fight.
#10: The break up stage
Ever felt like you wish you’d never started a relationship in the first place and just want to run? Or maybe you want revenge for a bad fight. Break Up Text might just be your solution. The app will allow you to select a reason for the break up and send it to your boyfriend/girlfriend. For just 79p, you can brutally tell your partner “I was eaten by a bear”, or the more convincing “I lost interest”.
After that horror is over, there’s then an app that can help you find a rebound – RebounDate. People on this dating app willingly sign up to be a rebound date with no strings attached, so no need to feel guilty either.
#11: The lonely stage
The final stage, if all the other apps fail to help you find, manage and maintain a relationship, there’s always Invisible Boyfriend. The app sends texts, calls and interacts with you on social media to give the appearance that you are in a relationship. Whether you want to get your parents off you back, or if you’re just that desperate that you want to receive flowers from a robot, then Invisible Boyfriend will no doubt be your rescue. There’s also a girlfriend version.
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